Prax 6

It felt hugely significant but I was none the wiser . . . or so I thought.

It was a turning point, not in more knowledge

I did not have more knowledge,

I did not have a greater quantity of "know - how" . . . . . but I felt more.

I still did not know what a feeling was but feelings . . . . . emotions

were clearly more powerful than thought.

I felt certainty . . . . I did not know certainty

I had certainty inside me, I did not acquire it.

Was I deluding myself again?

I felt this certainty that I had never felt before . . . . . . was it a trick?

doubts

and more doubts

and then

no doubts . . . . . . and here is why . . . . .

I was on the bus and I was looking out at a six or seven year

old kid. this kid, a little girl, was looking at herself in the reflection

of a shop window, whilst her Mum was talking to someone. She

was holding her Mum's hand, but pulling faces at herself in the shop

window. For no reason I could discover, I was suddenly flooded with

feelings, raw emotions, huge rolling feelings that I could not contain

and that blew all thought way. It felt like a thousand million feelings

had just been dumped inside me. . . . . . it's not as if I could "see"

her life, but I had, amongst the thousand million feelings, such clear

sight of all the joy and grief and triumph and despair that was likely

to come her way. The feeling that lingered in me after the thousand

million feelings had drained away, I had a label for . . . though the

label had as much connection to the real living feeling as the dusty sign

under a stuffed animal has to the living thing that used to run free

under the sky. . . . . it was labelled compassion.

I knew then, that feeling compassion, was more important

than knowing her name. We construct a description of reality

with thought but it's feelings that give it meaning.

Logic explains but it cannot give you meaning.

It tries . . . but logic is just a list of labels

and the bright labels of today, will be dusty tomorrow . . . . .

Feelings point the way.

Now I was hungry for more feelings

I was hungry for more certainty. . . . . .