Here are more
dialogues that shed light on how Praxis works.
As before, the identities of those concerned are hidden, the text
tidied up but all the spirit retained.
Index
The God Word
Back seat drivers
Down through the layers
Mystery to mystery
Energy movement
Seeing who we are
What is Deeper?
Everything you need is already present
Others
Feelings Disappear
What does it all mean ?
The
God word
Q
I
know that God exists, because I have heard the song of His
. . presence from all the
treetops of creation.
( Ben Zion Bokser
)
A
The
trouble with a lot of 'looking for God quests', is we are really looking for
Dad. We look for Mum in different
ways. I have never looked at a
tree and thought, hmmm, God must have made that.
I have waited for him/her in quiet places and he/she did not come.
When I gave up looking for him/her and went to deeper quieter places I
found neither god nor not-god. But
that 3-letter word just won't do it for me, too much baggage.
Love the art though, the poems, the paintings, the candles.
Q
For
me, God, Truth, Love, Consciousness, are all interchangeable.
The poem speaks of the unnameable, that which we can never know, the
'increasing mystery'. I have
never looked at a tree and thought 'god made that', but I have looked many
times and thought 'where did that tree come from?' 'how was it made?' 'who or
what created it?' I have looked
at the beauty of an animal running, or a sunrise, or a newborn babe and
wondered at it all. And it is all
'god'.
A
My
approach has been a bit different.
I have always loved reading God-based writings, Rumi drives me wild !
But I cannot use the word, to myself or others, without it evoking too
much of the negative side of religion.
This has been a consistent experience for me for nearly 30 years now
- when I talk to people
about feelings and self exploration, the conversation always opens up.
As soon as God is used as a way of exploring, the conversation never
goes much further. Most
people use God as an "arrival", they no longer need to stay
watchful, a whole realm of feelings remain round the bend in the road they
have stopped walking along. I
have met some lovely god-fearers who are a power for good in the world; but at
the end of the day, their needs got in the way.
These are (were) smart people, intuitive, wise even but the one thing
they would not or could not look at is their "need" for god, or,
their love for god. It is my experience that to open our hearts, everything must be looked at and looked at all the time.
Years ago I asked myself, am I truly opening to the experience, or
seeking comfort? I watched
both like a hawk and the seeking comfort fell away taking the word god with
it.
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Back
Seat Drivers
Q
All
of this means that, for the foreseeable future and possibly indefinitely, (as
in my experience, once a "no",
this means always no), romantically, I'm moving on.
There will be no more intimacy and developing of a romantic
relationship between us. All in
all, I'm very much relieved that our friendship is not in jeopardy, but
thriving in adversity.
A
The
human heart is like a new country
we all think we have been there
but it's always new and different.
You see that hill over there?
No one
and I mean no one
knows what's on the other side . . . . . .
Q
There's
a conflict in me. My feelings say
'sit tight and ride it all out', because she otherwise treats me extremely
well; all the important things are there between us.
My experience says, 'don't hold your breath for a possible tomorrow'.
Powerful voices colliding, confusing stuff.
Uncertainty is about the toughest thing I know of to deal with.
A
Most
of our internal voices come from childhood.
Many sound so grown up but on closer examination they are 4 or 5 year
olds. Once this is seen, a
problem can emerge, they may be 4 or 5 but they are very powerful and should
be shown respect. Think of them
as real children that must not be patronised but given gentle caring help.
In the same way that you would look after a child but not always do
what that child demands (to eat all that cake until sick), so the voices must
be heeded and not oppressed. Eventually, they will find their own level in the
back of the bus, they become back seat drivers.
You do not need to trace the exact childhood origins of each voice
(unless you are in therapy, when it may be essential),
It is the same caring parent-like attitude to each that will see you
through.
If you find yourself angry with one or some (voice and aspect) then you cannot
be an arbitrator between them, (like you might when looking after 2 or 3 kids
at the same time). You manifest
the caring parent attitude to deal with the voices but when the urge comes to
act, to intervene and resolve the "dispute" , then you must also
watch that part that wants to act. It
is, of course, just another part of you, another voice, another aspect,
another back seat driver. Just
watch that too. Remember:
certainty and uncertainty are both pictures that your mind paints.
Through constancy, the watching, you get to see that which drives them
"underneath". When
watched fully, the drivers underneath will
emerge.
Q
I
don't know how to help them. I
see in me the same lack of patience with "them" as I do with real
5-6 year olds, with their "driving" and demand.
I've been very angry with "them" lately.
I am starting to feel quite nutty, again, with all these conflicting
voices and feelings. It feels
like I am starting all over again from the beginning with this watching thing
and it feels futile.
A
Kids
get angry with themselves, it's not the getting angry, it's the speed they let
go that should be noted. They can
do this because they have not yet invested so much. Somewhere along the line
you (and me) invested in the needs the voices go on and on about.
That's ok, as long as we can see ourselves doing it and own it.
If through Constancy, you can "see" this investment as it
happens, it's power to drive you lessens, you get back in the driving seat of
the bus. All those voices go back
to the back seats where they belong.
Remember; when watching these voices, from time to time, ask,
"who's watching the voices?"
who is watching . . . .
these back seat drivers are doing all the talking
lots of needs being expressed
but who's watching it all ?
Q
So
far all I see is anger, lots of anger, mostly directed "out there"
at the how and why of what we do. I have seen this pour out lately in my
writing. It feels
"foreign" but I suspect that is because I haven't noticed it before
now.
A
The
feeling that the anger is "foreign" is important, it means that a
part of you is already starting to see what is "underneath".
Keep the focus on the anger, it may get stronger and more weird before
you see what's 'underneath'. The
anger cannot be put aside or bypassed - the only way is through.
It is the body-energy in the anger that can be scary, that, and not
knowing what you might do. A
watched anger WILL change, you will se what is underneath, you are close.
It is the body-energy in the anger that can be scary, that, and not
knowing what you might do but a watched anger WILL change.
You will see what is underneath.
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Down
through the layers
Q
There
is a new feeling about my anger, but it doesn't accompany anger when it comes
up. I have been angry at
society - including religion, government, etc.
Because humanity is suffering and society, through it's methodologies,
is perpetuating the unnecessary sufferings, there's always going to be
suffering. Always.
There's
something else now, that shows that anger as not being so noble and selfless
after all. It makes too much
sense though, this newer "feeling".
Too much logic in it. I
don't know if this new-something is really a feeling, or a
feeling-fortified-thought. These
angers are some muddy waters.
A
"
a feeling-fortified-thought. " . . . . .
When Constancy takes root, the thoughts and feelings can flow very fast
and be all jumbled up, so much so, that it becomes impossible to tell them
apart. Rather, it would
take to long. When this
happens I call the resulting porridge a "symphony".
You can hear the orchestra but it's hard to tell the individual
instruments. If you were in
therapy, you would have to work on teasing out the individual strands.
With Constancy, you do not have to.
Just watch the whole symphony like a hawk. It will eventually slow down
and one of 2 things will happen. The
main strands will start to stand out - or - you will jump straight to the
layer "underneath". This
may be another symphony, and could be one that is more weird.
As you move down through the layers they become harder to describe but
more powerfully present. Eventually,
the feelings themselves show the way.
Q
"
. . . . that it becomes impossible to tell them apart"
Yep, confusing at times.
"they become harder to describe but more powerfully present."
Are you hinting at the approach of "Edge" and-beyond feelings?
I have felt a little of that "pressure" lurking here and
there with this jumbled-thoughts-and-feelings going on.
A
"are
you hinting . . "
Yes.
As you go down through the layers some Edge feelings start to filter in.
They can be very subtle but when they start to come stronger it can
make Constancy even tougher. It
is important to stick to the spirit of Constancy.
Not matter how interesting or full of "meaning" Edge feelings
might be, don't let them distract you.
Edge feelings can be fascinating (and fun) as well as weird and perhaps
scary but they are always ambiguous. Keep
the Constancy sharp and when the deeper "true" feelings come there
will be no doubt, there will be certainty, diamond like.
When the deeper true feeling have come and then gone, your mind will rush in
and explain and worry and fantasise over what has happened.
Constancy once again hits a new place of importance.
Watch the mind do its stuff and eventually ALL feelings will come and
go smoothly. When all this is
happening smoothly you won't need any more words from me.
Your own feelings will show the way.
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from
mystery to mystery . . . .
I
posted this:
"The
myriad of named things
spring from an inexhaustible matrix,
these point beyond themselves
to the all encompassing unity.
The enigma of things deepens
into the fathomless beyond,
from mystery to mystery is the gateway
into the streaming wonder of existence".
( Lao Tzu ).
There is a huge teaching here.
Really big, one of the biggest.
"from mystery to mystery is
the gateway . . . "
Not, the gateways (plural) are found in mystery to mystery
but
IS
the gateway.
We have to turn our face into the wind,
and keep it there . . .
Q
Thanks
Dave, I needed to read this today.
"but
IS
the gateway."
I was beginning to wonder (and fret). Mystery
to mystery -
this one seems more easily felt than some.
For me, things get blurry though when Lao Tzu comes to the
"fathomless beyond" and "gateway into the streaming wonder of
existence" .
I don't know anything about any gateway.
I am none the wiser to existence.
A
Not
arrival but travelling. One
mystery becomes known and in so doing, opens up to the next mystery.
Feelings are layered. You
fully open to one feeling set by watching it like a hawk, and in so doing, a
deeper feeling or feeling set is revealed.
This process is followed, into the beyond.
So , "is the gateway" one gateway he says not many, not one
for each mystery but one
gateway. This is not about
accumulating solutions (to mystery after mystery), though we do that anyway,
it is about what you
bring to it.
Your
attitude.
Your
attitude is the gateway and this, to, becomes apparent as you watch the
mystery/s, AND, the person who does the watching.
Don't ask "have I got the right attitude?"
Watch the attitude you have, it will eventually reveal something deeper and
deeper
and on
and
on
Q
Watching
this attitude about everything just a few minutes, I see now how it is a
gateway, everything is right there at the thresh-hold.
It's a bit confusing though, how interconnected all those strings of
feeling are. I can see why they
are called mysteries, knowing now that - contrary to how I've always accepted
feelings - there are more underneath than the one that usually evokes the
"ok that's how I feel"..
I never thought to gauge attitude, never put it together.
That one word - attitude - has me looking in a whole new way and it's
not near as elusive as watching thoughts alone - which is all I've been doing,
really - because these feelings just inside the gate are very powerful.
Hard to watch all those branches/strings of feelings and watch the
watcher at the same time. When
'awaking' to watching the watcher, that new watcher now becomes the first
watcher, and then again over, and again over, and again over
- that's what it feels
like anyway. When I start
watching the watcher, the first watcher vanishes and then new one take his
place.. and then shortly thereafter I 're-awake' to watching the watcher, and
it goes all over again -
infinite watchers it seems.
I don't know who all these watchers are if they can vanish just like
that, when a new one starts watching the old one.
A
"I
're-awake' to watching the watcher, and it goes all over again.. infinite
watchers it seems . . " Your
mind makes it seem like there are multiple watchers, but this is because your
attention ebbs and flows. It could also be characterised as a pulse . . .
sometimes fast (coming back to attention fast), sometimes slow (long periods
of low attention). You have
now seen that it is so difficult to watch with 100% looking, 100% of the time,
that attitude becomes more important here.
Even if your attention falters (or pulses) your intention does not.
You are always returning to the watching.
Your attention (the act of watching) and your intention (the attitude
of watching, or the determination to watch) are thus linked and build each
other's intensity.
Something else here: if you re-read your entry above, what comes out?
I saw a part of your mind looking for a way out.
There are parts of your mind that have their own motives.
That's ok, back seat drivers in the bus, they never go completely.
They sometimes get stronger when you approach a new place . . . .
Q
Right
now it seems impossible to watch 100% of the time.
I remember you saying once, and again right now, that the intention of
watching is just as important as the watching itself.
I know the intention is there because I 're-awake' very often.
The frequency of that "re-awaken"-ing has been increasing
exponentially, lately.
OK, I had a different meaning in mind for attitude I think.
I was thinking of it as attitude in life, in general, not really as in
intention of watching. I see how you are meaning it now though.
Hmmm. . . . . .looking for a way out. Do
you mean this: "and I don't know who all these watchers are if they can
vanish just like that, when a new one starts watching the old one." ??
"they sometimes get stronger when
you approach a new place . . . ."
More cunning at the least, I'd say but
I don't know one place from the other; location is a fuzzy thing these days.
It is fascinating to watch how my mind is trying to latch onto that and spin
this "new place" thing it right now.
It really loves references to location.
A
Looking
for an out was more an overall impression. The mind is always looking for a
way out; mine is anyway.
The attitude to watching and the attitude to life in general overlap
eventually and become the same thing.
It would be safe bet to say the mind gets more cunning, but only in certain
directions. When your attention broadens out and the mind looses its centre-stage
position, it's tactics become more apparent.
You can see this now but the mind's antics still surprise you.
They won't always. When
the mind looses some of its power of censorship and interpretation, then some
of the deeper feelings really begin to take off, slow and subtle at first,
then leaving doubt behind to mumble in the back seats.
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Energy
movement
Q
I am
noticing some new things ("buzzing feet" ring any bells?) but I am
utterly ignorant of this energy movement stuff.
I am impatient to learn of it, the basics at least until I can find a
teacher somewhere.
A
The
most important thing about any of this energy stuff is to let it flow as
freely as possible. if your feet
buzz it could be either returning blood circulation, or, energy getting
through where it could not before. You
only tend to 'feel' the energy when it is moving in ways or places it hasn't
before, the unblocking. When it
flows freely you tend not to feel it; (there
are exceptions, orgasm is one, and when you deliberately try to cultivate
energy as in Kundalini Yoga).
Until
a teacher is found, concentrate on adjusting you posture so it feels more
open. You can go in to a standard
sitting meditation posture, eyes closed, then, without actually moving,
mentally wander round you body and "feel" the bits that feel
tense. Then, slowly (very slowly)
make small (very small) adjustments and compare the before and after.
Don't do this too much. If
you concentrate on one part of your body too much, energy will get blocked
there. Eventually you can fine
tune your awareness of body tension and can learn how to release it at will,
using small fine posture adjustments, and doing them quite quickly, anywhere
and at anytime. it takes practice
though, and there are no short-cuts. unless
you start slow and small, you will miss things.
Q
I
can see from just a few nights of formal sitting again that this will teach a
whole new level of patience! I
can hardly sit still when feeling that tension, always urging to move around
quickly to release it because it is so intense, sometimes painful. I
am growing with fascination of it, of movement, body energy, and intend to
stick with trying to learn what I can from it even if I don't find a teacher.
Slow and small - right.
A
If
the tension is that painful, move ! View
tension as a valuable pointer to what needs sorting next.
They are not an obstacle, they are a gateway.
How
do you sit? Are you sitting on
the floor crossed legged? If you
are, sit in a chair, you will be less tense,
it's just as good, if not better for westerners.
Tension is "you" holding your body in a certain way.
Why do "you" do it? -
habit and protection! As
the tension (blocked energy) is released so will deep feelings.
Be prepared.
Q
The
frustrating thing is that the tension remains no matter how I move, little,
lot, twist, lean, to, for, side to side.
Maybe I am confusing the strain of weak muscles for holding
tension/blocked energy?? Currently
I sit on edge of bed, crossed legged feet on floor.
It is too uncomfortable on floor - legs go to sleep I should try the chair
now and check the difference it makes with this.
Hmmmm.
I've noticed that when I stand I hold/tense my shoulders up, severely.
I feel as if I'm slouching grossly when consciously releasing that
holding while standing. I feel as
if I'm on the right track too -
inside, outside - that distinction is dissolving somewhat at least.
I feel that everything will be ok from now (past week or so) on.
A
"I
feel that everything will be ok from now (past week or so) on"
Watch
out !
I
wrote this about sitting : "Find
an ordinary dining room chair, sit and then see if you knees are slightly
lower than your hips - that is, your thighs will point downwards just a bit.
Use cushions to adjust your sitting height.
Do not lean back; your back must be
unsupported.
Put your hands on your knees, then draw them back until your arms and
shoulders feel comfortable. (If your hands are too close to your body then your
lower back will get tense; too far forward and you will eventually slump).
Do not try to block out or ignore any background sounds. If the phone
rings, just ignore it, don't disconnect it. If an intrusion is so great that you
practice, then try again later. If the intrusion is not so great, then work on ignoring it. You
ignore it by focussing on the technique.
Close your eyes. Keep them lightly closed throughout. Open them as soon
as the sesstion ends. Do not give into temptation and linger . . . . . "
The tensions of 'holding the body' are done subconsciously , energy
builds up because of the tense muscles. when
the muscles relax, the energy will flow.
As you know, true relaxing is not the same as slumping, as poor posture blocks
the energy as well. Watch out for
impatience. there are no short
cuts, just keep at it.
Get the sitting in the chair as right as you can, then small slow body
adjustments, nudging you to better posture. A little better every day. (That’s
a LITTLE better, don't push too h ard; that is just your mind trying to grab centre stage again).
Q
I
knew you would flag that one! I
flagged it myself. What I meant
by it was that I have a general sense that I will be able to handle myself ok
from now on, not feeling so afraid of stuff coming up and immobilising me
anymore in other words.
I do
not know where the "session ends"
- do I end it when I no
longer feel tension? For the most part I've been ending it when I get too
sleepy or otherwise cannot continue for discomfort.
All
this seems like rocket science to me!!! it's disturbing, now at least, to know
so little about my own body.
A
You
wrote:
"For the most part I've been ending it when I get too sleepy or
otherwise cannot continue for discomfort."
All sessions should have a regular time. find your self an
unobtrusive timekeeper. (ie,
something that won't make you jump when the session is over.)
It is VERY important that the sessions you have are regular timewise.
you can meditate 20 times a day if that is what's happening for you, but do
that in 20, 30 minute sessions, or 10, 1 hour sessions, whatever.
Your mind will feed on the 'irregular' and make your overall practice
harder if you don't do this. it
is ok to spontaneously go into a meditation, if the 'spirit moves'.
Keep the main sessions in a regular time format.
(This is not just me, it's standard advice you would get anywhere).
Concerning tension, don't hold a meditation if the tension is too great
(that is, painful). Instead of
one 15 minute session that causes pain, start off by doing 3 five minute
sessions till the tension is released. Then,
build back up to 15 minutes, or however this works out for you.
You
wrote:
" . . . what I meant by it was that I have a general sense that I
will be able to handle myself ok ".
I am glad you feel better about this, but this will not be really true
for you, till you no longer need to tell anyone about it.
One day, you will realise that the need to talk about it at all, will
have gone.
Q
My
first reaction was to ask you, "why is this so?". but, I know . . .
.
I am
noticing these subtle hints of mind's motivations for volunteering
information, from others, but I have difficulty noticing mine . . . . very
subtle. I get confused and
stuck, not knowing how to respond without offending as well as not going along
with it.
I
suppose when I see mine own clearly this also become more clear too...
A
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
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Seeing
who we are
Q
"What
you are looking for you are looking with", (Meister Eckhardt).
This is
one of those sayings which I have sat with for great lengths of time. I
intuitively accept it as true, but still need to really realise it.
How does the self, see itself? How do we look with what we are looking
for?
A
We
can get hung up on words here, we could equally say, listen; (as some Zen
people do. Ryonen - " . .
.only listen to the pines when no wind blows")
We could say we "hold an attention".
Zen people have also said:
"as
a finger cannot touch itself
so
a thought
cannot
see itself"
All this (for me) is really about the expectation that release from suffering
will somehow deliver a new self. We
look with what we are and do not "see" what we are, because that is
not what we want, or, it is not what we "think" we want.
Through the intentional act of looking-all-the-time (Constancy), the mind
slowly looses its centre stage domination.
Other feelings and perceptions emerge from the wings where they have
always been. This is
analogy is not so good, as it does not have 'process' implied, but it will do
I guess.
We cannot just intend to move the mind from centre stage, as the mind takes
this very intention and uses it, subverts it,
to build better defences. Constancy
moves it (eventually) and when it does, the whole thing is glimpsed and not
just what the mind "tells" us.
This, is how we look with
what we are looking for.
Q
So
simple it seems a practical joke but yet seeing this is so difficult.
There are moments of "Eureka!"
They come out of the blue like a sudden wind.
But my socks are still on. Constancy
has become a lot more consistent, stronger feelings are still more difficult
to watch, especially the intense ones: incredibly hard not to hold on to the
really intensely good ones.
A
It
does get easier to watch eventually but the intensity gets stronger too.
As does the speed at which the feelings flash through.
Don't worry about the struggle trying not to hold on to good ones, it's
impossible to do this anyway, so just concentrate, as always, on the watching.
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What is Deeper
Q.
You speak of going deeper of watching deeper feelings but I do not know what
you mean?
A.
Concerning "deeper"
. . . . . ever walked by a large lake? Can you see all the fish in it? Yet
you can see them sometimes when they surface. You could go fishing but
then when you yank them out of the water, they are no longer lake fish but
dying silver creatures or lunch. Maybe you could dive in and go find them
in situ
but then you have to hold your breath or take your air with you. You then,
are similarly out of your element. Perhaps you could just watch the water and
see them briefly when they surface, and accept how long this might take.
Or .
. . . you have to find some other way to see the fish that are hidden.
Perhaps you build a radar scanner. You find a technique that works so you
can see the fish. Our "deeper" feelings have something to tell us but it is
not the single fact of each one that really matters in the fullness of time
but the larger fact that all feelings are connected.
Even so, we start
by looking at them individually as they arise, from the "depths". Constancy
is my radar. Good luck with yours!
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Everything you need is
already present
"Elephants" in
the following
refers to a quote from Saadi of Shiraz, that is presented here:
http://www.praxispath.co.uk/2-witness/prax12.htm
"Make no
friends with an elephant keeper,
if you have no room for an elephant". (Saadi
)
Q.
There's something that I've been wondering about off and
on... I've been noticing how so much vice and suffering arises from
simple boredom, that we create so much drama simply because we like
drama, but so often, we don't recognize that we are the ones creating it. And it's all in the
service of sustaining the illusion of "meeeeeeeee," of our great importance...
I've been letting go of a lot
lately, and noticing how simple and wonderful life actually is. There
really doesn't need to be drama. And so much is drama that I didn't realize
was drama... Guilt is drama. Maybe the reason so many Western societies
have this guilt-complex built in is just because it makes life more exciting,
that people are bored and need guilt to make our day-to-day experiences seem
like more of a big deal to ourselves.
But I wonder... Is it okay to just let go of guilt? And I'm not talking
about remorse for wrong deeds here, but something more pervasive and
subtle. Is it okay to just let go of the sense of duty and obligation we build
up in certain relationships and situations? I ask because like most people,
I've amassed some elephants...
The most prominent one at the moment being a relationship with someone that
has become so negative and draining that when I'm honest with myself, the
thing I most want is to say "See ya" to this person and be done with
it for good. I love this person, but genuinely have no desire to spend time
with her or talk to her any more. But out of a sense of duty, I keep
persisting in the relationship even though it's dragging me down. And I feel
this sense of guilt when I think about just letting it go...
Is this feeling of guilt a reflection that this is an elephant I've taken on
and can't simply abandon? Or is it just a form of self-sustaining drama?
Underneath it all, there's a sense of fear... of committing some great moral
wrong that I'll never be able to fix. But there's also a sense that this
dutiful attitude is a form of dishonesty, and that severing a tie with someone
is just an honest and healthy thing to do. I feel compelled to be loyal, to
see things through even when they're hard, but I wonder, at what point is
loyalty virtuous and at what point is it just stupid?
I'm not asking you what I should do in this case; I know it's my own
responsibility to address the particulars of the situation. But I'm
wondering what your take on the general issue is, of what extent we're
obligated to our elephants, and what actually is an elephant, and what isn't.
Are elephants things that we have no choice but to accept, circumstances that force themselves on us, or is it possible to take on an
elephant, then at some point when an opportunity opens up, to let it go?
I'm just not sure where morals and wisdom intersect here. Any thoughts you
have on the matter would be greatly appreciated...
A.
You are going deeper here and rightly so. It is
of course, both simple and difficult.
Firstly, where you have don't know, "hold" your awareness of it in your
Constancy practice and perhaps an answer will emerge over time. This
applies to all "don't knows" but especially elephants. My comments
are below "yours":
" Is it okay to just let go of the sense of duty and obligation we build up
in certain relationships and situations?"
Yes and no; depends on the situation, case by case basis, no
easy short-cuts.
" . . .a relationship with someone that has become so negative and draining
that when I'm honest with myself, the thing I most want is to say "See ya""
You must address this "draining" and the want to say "see ya". It is the only way to fully respect the other. Thing is, can they
handle it? Do they need your full truth? If they do, give it to them.
You only need to protect those you think (or suspect) are morally or
psychologically vulnerable. Your need to be truthful should not hurt
another unless it is unavoidable. Bottom line : full respect requires full
truth. Another may not understand that by ending your relationship or
association, you are respecting yourself and them. Does you elephant
involve educating them? If it does, do it. if not, just make it as clear as
you can. Keep it simple. Duty is good; habit is bad, care is good, avoidance of difficulty is bad.
This is stuff you know of course but some things need restating.
" . . . but I wonder, at what point is loyalty virtuous and at what point
is it just stupid?"
You might provide the trigger for them to grow as you
present your truth to them. Or, they might then go and kill themselves.
How
high are the stakes? Through your Constancy (or equivalent), balance care
and full respect. Loyalty can never be stupid if you can manifest
clarity in each moment.
"Are elephants things that we have no choice but to accept, circumstances
that force themselves on us, or is it possible to take on an elephant, then at some point when an opportunity opens up, to let it go?"
There is always choice, that makes the fullest respect
so meaningful. It is not about "opportunity" but seeing clearly the
balance between care and respect. If you cannot see it, "hold" it in your
practice, look harder, till you do see it.
" . . . . Underneath it all, there's a sense of fear... of committing some
great moral wrong "
Yes . . . . just fear, nothing special. By trying to help a thousand
people, the confused philanthropist helped them all but only to a shallow
depth. By focussing on a few, he/she helped those few to a greater depth.
Which is better, the many or the few? We might try to do both and that is a
matter of balance. But often, we just do what we can. "Morals and wisdom"
are not separate things,
save for semantic purposes. I know what you mean but let them hang out
together in a simple mix. Your hesitation and care over this issue does you credit.
Everything you
need is already present. if you cannot see it yet, watch till you
can, and you will.
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Others
Q.
I had
been thinking this question for the longest time - does it matter
if a partner doesn't practice or understand what we practice? What
is your experience with relationships with people who are generally intolerant
or even unimaginative of what you know to be true? I care for my partner
but I don't really need him . . . in a way this sets me free, but
doesn't feel like love. I am freer in this aspect I suppose because all
I need to be obsessed about is Constancy. But I still feel the need to tell
somebody.
A.
You wrote:
"does it
matter if a partner doesn't practice or understand what we practice?"
We have to watch out for
'ideal partner' syndrome. You could use the construct of an ideal partner
you have made (and we all make one) and miss what's really happening. This
answer may irritate you but, go with the love you find.
I am lucky, indeed, very lucky. I have a partner,
although she is not into Praxis or Zen, she is interested in similar areas.
She is a practicing psychotherapist so we have much in common. I would
demand of a partner, that he or she respects my concerns and interests. And
if I fell in love with someone who did not, then my love life would be less
happy. So be it . . . . .
Love can make you soar but cannot set you free.
"Free" is a tricky concept and needs much unpacking but I have a simple
approach to it, I would choose love over freedom any day.
Guilt is a killer, it is best not to maintain aspects of
a relationship motivated by guilt. As soon as we try and be tactical with
love, it goes wrong. Be clear, be honest, take any pain that follows
but this kind of clarity is the only way to show complete respect to
another. There are times when you will choose not to share some of your
feelings, in order to spare hurt in another. This is ok but you must
completely accept any elephants that follow as a result. {{
"elephants" here referring to the Saddi quote above }}
Do you deserve love?
I know you do. I hope you get to feel that you do.
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Feelings disappear
Q.
When I have a disturbing emotion and I look
at it, put my attention on it (pour every shred of attention I can muster on
it) . . . it tends to disappear (by that I mean the symptoms or
feelings). I'm not sure whether this is because I'm distracting myself from
it (shifting focus) or when I look at the actual emotion and sensation it goes
away because it inherently doesn't exist or is empty or whatever?
I wonder perhaps if I'm repressing what I'm feeling in someway? It doesn't
feel wrong. In fact it feels quite natural. When I experience anger and I
look at it (when I'm present enough not to get overrun by it in actual fact),
turn my attention on it, it drops away. I look at it, explore it, and
it subsides. It's like it's never there. Why is this?
A.
You are right to side with caution about the
feelings slipping away when you focus on them. It feels ok to you because it is ok. It is unlikely that you are setting up some new repression,
more likely noting patterns that are already present but becoming more
visible. Even so, caution is needed. Feelings are deep and mysterious, and
our Self Image (SI) always ready to co-opt in some
new subtle ways. The remedy is always the same, returning to the watching.
"I look at it, explore it, and it subsides. It's like it's never there"
This is good and shows your Constancy is settling and
becoming deeper. Feelings come and go, as is their way. Our SI sets up continuity; feelings don't need it,
they come and go and do not remain. You cannot hold on to a feeling,
once it is gone, it becomes a memory only. The memory could
trigger a new feeling but it will be a new feeling. Constancy reveals the
workings of the SI so when the continuity slips sometimes, it can be a bit
uncomfortable. No worries; keep on watching.
"when I look at the actual emotion and sensation it goes away because it
inherently doesn't exist or is empty or whatever??"
Keep the Constancy
as sharp as you can, then when you directly experience "inherent emptiness", you will
be clear. All feelings go . . . . and then they come again.
We watch their arrival and departure . . . . . . .
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What does it all mean ?
Q.
So, what does it all
mean then, what's the secret ?
A.
The meaning of life, the
secret of life . . . . . has become a cliché for us here in the west, we
tend to cover our embarrassment about it with humour or scorn. I
also know joke about it . . . . . . .
A seeker went to a master
and said:
"Master, please, please
tell me the secret of life ! "
The master said:
"Alas, I am sorry, I
cannot tell you the secret of life".
The seeker, who had
travelled far and suffered much, was very upset and wailed:
"Why not? "
The master looked all round
and leaned in to whisper in the seeker's ear:
"Because . .
. . . . . . it's a secret".
The real joke is on all of us -
because of course, it is the most important thing. More important than
life or death, because death is inevitable but finding the truth is not.
I constructed the Praxis Wholething Statement to field this question:
We wake up and
find we want the truth.
Finding out about ourselves
and finding truth are the same thing.
In presenting ourselves to others
we put ourselves on the journey
of finding out everything else . . . . . . .
. . . .
Love is part of the last bit of course.
Q.
So are you saying that, the
meaning of life is about being with people?
A.
"Being" . . . . .
is the crucial word here. What you mean, when you talk of the "meaning"
of life, will turn out to be a gateway. Process, not arrival
- journey, not destination.
You already have everything you need. All
you have to do is . . . . . . look
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